When egos clash

It was a quarter past ten. Sid was yet to return. Another cold dinner, late night, early morning schedule leaving me to cope with lonliness. The rains were coming down fast and furious, the dark night seemed like a deja Vu; though I loathed rewinding my memory, circumstances compelled the clock backwards by a quarter of a century.

It was a similar scenario I had been in, waiting for Avinash to return, just to share a few moments of togetherness. That fateful night when the skies had opened the flood gates, torrents came down as if they would swallow the earth, I had rushed to the front door to let a dripping wet Avinash in, surprised to find his friend Jay with him. The three of us sat through a silent dinner, Avinash preoccupied with his office files and papers whilst eating. Poor Jay! Tried to make light of a heavily pregnant silent situation, little knowing it was almost a ritual in our so called home. Jay’s attempts to laugh, joke, tease, cajole and eventually praise me for whatever culinary skills he found fascinating seemed to have evoked the monster in Avinash. To this day, I cannot recall how the conversation steered to a friendly battle of wit & humour between Jay and me, an innocent banter which laid the foundation for an insecure couple’s battle . All I remember is the loud crashing of the glass water jug on the dining table, accusations, a violent hatred towards a childhood pal and sickening insinuations at me. No amount of explanations helped. Avinash was like an unleashed tiger on the prowl, determined to tear his prey to pieces that night.

A three hour argument yielded no results. Jay left. A shattered man bruised by words which stung, embarrassed by the turn of events and silently regretting his decision to share a meal with us. I was exhausted and found no reason to justify or defend myself. The door barely shut behind Jay, when Avinash yelled at me to leave the house. We had innumerable arguments in the past, spent weeks of silence living under the same roof, with Avinash always waiting for me to apologise and beg forgiveness, even though the fault most often was his, yet, never had either of us asked the other to leave nor had we ever spoken about a split. I looked at him incredulously, didn’t answer for fear of provoking another argument and walked up to our room. He yelled at me again like a mad man, threatening to throw me out if I did not quit with dignity. The tone in his voice made me decide my fate. He meant what he said. I picked up 3 yr old Sid who was fast asleep, packed a few baby essentials, struggling with my emotions almost tempted to seek pardon, while common sense warned me not to. I left. He slammed the door shut, insensitive to his own son’s predicament. I had been forced to walk out of my home on a rainy night, well past midnight, with a 3 yr old in my arms, not knowing where to go, what to do all because I could not and did not seek pardon for a crime that I had not committed!I had unknowingly become a victim of jealousy, of a fierce competition between the two which dated back to their childhood, youth, jobs, status, everything! That was the last time I saw Avinash.

God had blessed my son and me with Angels in the form of friends and family; people who saw us through that frightful night and many years after that. Avinash made no attempts to reconcile, waiting for me to make the move! For the first time in my life I refused to compromise on my self respect to save my marriage. It was not worth it. Jay felt responsible and for some weird reason offered to take care of me and Sid! I did not want anything to do with Avinash or his friends and family. Though I never saw Jay again, I learnt that Avinash had severed ties with his friend as well! Well, why wouldn’t he? When his ego came first, even before the welfare of his own son.

The loud buzz of the doorbell stirred me out of my reverie! Sid was home, happiness returned! I felt a sense of pride each time I saw him, a successful Corporate Manager, efficient, hard working, famous at the young age of 28. My dreams of seeing him married, bringing Sheetal as a member of our family would soon materialize.
I failed to notice that Sid looked tired & withdrawn, dismissing it as fatigue. Just as we were seated for dinner, his cell phone rang. The expression on his face changed, the lines on his brow deepened, his face was flushed with anger, jaws taut as he picked up the phone. It so reminded me of his father, after so many years I was witnessing this emotion. I sat stunned as I heard him speak. He raved & ranted and only when he firmly told the person at the other end that he was calling off his wedding unless ‘she’ apologized, did I realize that he was talking to Sheetal’s mother. That got me and I gave Sid a piece of my mind telling him not to behave like his father. Which was my undoing! I had no business to compare two individuals, though they were father and son! If Sid was egotistic, it was genetic. I had to accept it and stop interfering in his life.

The thought had barely dawned on me before Sid in no uncertain terms said he wanted to lead his life on his terms and that he would move out in a week’s time, leaving all assets and the house to me .I did not want assets, I wanted people, a family! Where had I gone wrong? Would life have been less complicated if I had apologized to Avinash just fed his ego and played second fiddle? Did I err in raising Sid on my own? Is self respect that important in a relationship, in a marriage? Or is compromise the best solution? What’s the difference between ego and self respect anyway ? A thin dividing line? I don’t know!