Cyber abuse and the hidden agenda

With the advent of social media, the world has changed its perception of communication. What once used to be a methodical manner of interaction, with due respect, proper salutation, ethics  of writing, who you are addressing,  the relationship  between the writer and addressee, whether formal, social or plain official etc., has now made way for a changed mood, new age style, careless dropping of words, regardless of repercussions. The old era has long past gone. Conventional communication giving way to free speech, freedom of expression seeking refuge in anonymity. The so called social reform and progression has encouraged innumerable cyber bullies and cyber harassment among other negative attitudes.

Children  subjected to bullying often  end up with severe depression or turn into introverts, for fear of facing the bullies if they socialize. Adults many times are subjected to stalking  and harassment depending on how successful or popular they happen to be.

Understanding the psyche of the bully isn't difficult. Often these people fall into the category of 'losers' They could either be school/college dropouts or adults who have failed in their personal or professional and social lives. Wherever you choose to categorise them, one thing  definite is the availability of time at their disposal. Their single minded obsession of finding targets to torment and then go after them shows that they have little else to do in life. Anybody spending more than an hour on social media any time of day/night obviously has a lot of free time. When the mind gets idle the devil begins to play.

Venting frustration under the refuge of anonymity  is easy. The bully thinks he isn't answerable to anyone, revels in either a fake or concocted identity, impersonating as someone else. The victim ironically, happens to be the reverse, someone who has little time for such extravagance, using the social media either to catch up with friends or a stress buster, is most often, not aware of hidden enemies and lurking dangers. That he is being stalked, his every move and behavior noticed and most often imitated, comes to light only after the damage is done. By which time, it could be too late.

Beware of people who are extra nice. Fake niceness is like an epidemic. You almost feel like screaming "your artifice  shows, stop being nice, get real" Being extra gushy, mushy, eager to please are all part of trying to create an artificial larger than life image about oneself, all with a hidden agenda to appear smart and sought after, the grandiose amassing a momentum to gather supporters for sympathy.

 Having identified the problem, how does one deal with harassment? On social networking sites one could resort to blocking the person, place them under restricted category. But that isn't enough, because of various visibility options available on the Internet and search engines, nothing is completely private. Is the answer then quitting, in order to  rid oneself of the menace once and for all, out of our lives, out of the system? I, for one wouldn't advocate quitting. Out of personal experience, I say this : DONT QUIT. By doing so, you are giving your enemy a sense of victory and motivating him to repeat the crime with someone else. Believe me, this is exactly what they do. They don't have one single victim and do not rest once their single point of mission is accomplished. They will soon forget the first victim and identify or latch on to a new one who they think needs to again go away from their vicinity, once they realise a person makes them insecure. They will provoke and abuse, using the same language and methodology to harass you. They foolishly assume that by eradicating one victim after another on their social scene, they can emerge as victors, feeling  a sense of power once somebody buckles under pressure. You have as much a right to be a part of your own social network as someone else. Deal with these abusers differently. Now that you have more or less identified their action plans and mode of attack, you know how to handle them. Your defiance is something they don't expect. Once they sense this, be prepared for a role reversal. The Wolf himself playing the lamb and crying 'Wolf'. They start playing the victim card to perfection. Trying to project 'you' as the offender and place themselves as the victim. More so, if you have reacted in a moment of haste or anger or retorted to one of their antics, they seize the opportunity. Since they already know how a victim behaves under pressure, they place themselves in that role and try to accumulate  as much sympathy and support  as they can, by trying to paint a black picture about you. This is another tactic to make you feel small, bad and even guilty, in order to eradicate you from their arena. After playing the sympathy card to perfection, they wait for your reaction and those of their sympathizers. Once that is garnered, at times you will have a whole army trolling you. Again, DONT QUIT. They will resort to ugly, filthy language and indulge in personal attacks. Never mind, you know that isn't  the real 'you' and it is the result of a psychotic mind playing havoc. You must understand that these perpetrators are not normal, most need psychological help and they are giving vent to their frustration. Hence their words MUST NOT get you down. If the pressure becomes too much to handle, seek help. Report with all the proof at your disposal to the authorities, police, website administrators, whoever it may be. The offender needs to realise that he isn't going to have it easy all the time, that he cannot repeat the offense with every victim. This can be done if you are sure of the offender's identity. Most hide under masks, at the most you may find a name, which may or may not be genuine. The point is, every offence can be tracked so don't be afraid to report if you have the proof.

What  then, is a permanent solution to this menace? Nothing, as of now. You need to be alert, keep yourself abreast of any situation, reduce interaction with strangers and never waste an opportunity to report an offender, more so if it is one playing under  anonymity . For the next generation though, like all other lessons in life, they need to learn young. Cyber etiquette should be made mandatory as a part of grooming, growing up. A sense of responsibility needs to be instilled along with the seriousness of accountability to be established. You must own responsibility for what you write. Cyber space is no different from the real world. YOU are the same person, how you behave online reflects the kind of personality you are and your character offline.

Finally, what is this piece doing on a Relationship Blog? Trying to establish a link between the silent enemy and the victim. I do hope this instills some faith and confidence in those of you who have been traumatized by bullies, you are not alone and don't allow yourself to feel guilty for somebody else's actions. Enjoy your time on social networking sites by being prudent, alert, smart and wary of any dangers lurking over your shoulders. Be smart, be happy! And always remember, Winners never quit!

 

 

The true spirit of Valentine

It is that time of the year, when love is in the air. Literally! The sounds of birds chirping  are sweeter, spring has arrived, fresh virgin blooms encompassing the last drops of dew for the season. You tend to smile wistfully at the passing thought of a loved one, moonlit nights seem to make the world  surreal. In short, everything seems magical. Its no wonder then, that a day in mid February was chosen to celebrate love. The color red never got more brighter, more sought after. That's the fantasy, now on to reality.

Romantic love is not the only love which needs expression. Look around and you will find so many little abandoned children, the differently abled angels feeling lost and lonely, hopeful, trapped tears in their wistful eyes. A tender touch,  a warm reassurance will go a long way in giving them hope. A hope to live for tomorrow, a faith in mankind. The sick and elderly need as much attention. There are several who have no family or friends to be by their side in their sunset years. They long for company to communicate with somebody, anybody. Spending half an hour of quality time will not only rid a soul of loneliness, it will bring you inner peace and joy a tremendous satisfaction which again spurs you on to repeat the enriching experience.

Love is no love without sharing. If you are among the blessed, give away a part of what you may not need. Instead of piling up and catching fungi in your cupboard, it may help someone who may need decent clothes, but may not be able to afford, may be too embarrassed to ask. Share with the less fortunate. Your reward is the expression in their eyes. You will feel the joy within your soul.

Another way to spread joy is to reduce hate. If you dislike someone or something, try and forget about the issue. Put it in the background, its not important to you. Don't waste precious energy fanning hate campaigns and pressing charges against people who you know nothing about or even if you do, understand that you were not placed here to pass judgment or measure somebody's character from your point of view. Whoever  said that your views were 'right' anyway? Let go of bitterness, hatred, frustration. Negative emotions wont do you any good in any case. At the end of it all, when sanity surfaces, you will hate yourself for having stooped so low in your own eyes. You do want to look into the mirror and see a clear image and happy reflection don't  you? Cleanse your soul today. Rid your self of baggage. By not spreading hate, you are doing mankind justice, you spread peace.

As for romantic love, it is an important part of the very essence of living. To say that you don't need love means you are lying. Everyone wants to be loved, to feel that surge of joy in being accepted and cherished by someone special. If you truly love someone it shouldn't matter if there is no reciprocation. You are expressing yourself without expecting anything in return. Love is no barter, it is meant to be given. Do not allow egos to build a barrier. Once a wall is built it becomes exceedingly difficult to break it down. With time a misunderstanding can only get worse and bridging gaps may never happen. Communicate, express in whatever manner you may wish. Keeping your feelings bottled up inside  is a waste of time. Opportunities once lost will never return. There is no place for egos in a love relationship. You are not competing with someone to climb the corporate ladder. You are giving your heart and soul to the person to be one with him/her. Organize your priorities and give more than you receive. There is immense joy in giving.

And finally, if you have found your soul mate, wish you all the happiness ahead. Hang on to those precious moments. Keep the faith and trust. Loyalty has to be a part of the bond. Without loyalty the relationship is hollow, something so superficial and momentary. Keep suspicion and harsh speech at bay. These two ills can break a sensitive heart. Words once spoken cannot be retrieved. Even in moments of great anger, stay aloft and don't vent your frustration on the one you love. It isn't always your loved one's fault that you had a bad day. Be understanding, caring and loving. You don't lose a thing.

Having said all this, if you ask me to define love, I really wouldn't know what to say! Though it is the most debated and discussed subject, love has to be experienced deep within your soul, a connection established between two people, you can only feel it. Love is in the air, it is here to stay. Enjoy your life, you have just one lifetime with you. Celebrate true feelings this Season!

Begin today and keep it going. Love isn't something to be celebrated for one day and sent to the shelf for the remaining part of the year. It is meant to grow and get deeper and more meaningful with each passing day!



 

Reverse Brain Drain

The latest manifesto to have caught on is the concept of 'Reverse Brain Drain' Before getting into the  specifics of such a possibility, it would do us a lot of good, to analyse why there was brain drain in the first place. Having introspected, perhaps the circumstances, lack of opportunities and various obstacles faced by the youth, could have inspired many to study and make their careers overseas.

Now, to label them unpatriotic is a case of sour grapes, most often, yet some hardcore self proclaimed seasonal patriots would indulge in cribbing and holding parents accountable for not 'educating' their wards adequately about the benefits and loyalty to their Motherland. Really? The advent of the social media has information travelling at lightning speed, in fact much faster than a parent who waits and watches  'TV News' would know. Information is given to parents by their wards over Skype before the next bulletin. So who's ignorant here? Coming to the crux of the matter, the 'brains' overseas get a first hand information of everything that is happening, and are aghast, appalled and afraid. Of vicious hate propaganda, venom and frustration built up inside. Of the violence anger generates and dangerous consequences of mob rule.  Anger is present everywhere, you follow the traffic rules, have a dozen behind you cursing, (like following rules is a crime) standing in line and waiting for your turn, is unthinkable. Survival of the fittest rules supreme. Just barge in and elbow your way to the front.  Respecting and making way for senior citizens and disabled, 'not happening, I don't have the time'. You want to spend an evening out at a Lounge bar, dress appropriately, but a nagging fear of moral policing lurks all the time. Use public transport, be prepared for jeers and leers. Staying out late, rape is inevitable. You look different  in front of  others in your State, racism is rampant. Everything ultimately is YOUR  fault. And who are the ones propagating these crimes? The youth most often. So, instead of standing on a high pedestal selling dreams to the gullible youth, isn't it a bounden duty of our leaders to first inculcate a level of tolerance, inspire people to live in harmony, teach them the benefits of co-existence, create a platform where everyone has their own right  to live their lives and then build an edifice of dreams for a progressive India? When you have hordes listening to you in awe, treating your word as the gospel truth, this is way too easy. A leader's word will be followed, but how many have really inspired the youth? Every manifesto is heavily laden with their own personal agendas and of course jibes and digs at the Opposition. Invariably, there is a "follow the leader principle," which filters down to the lowest level inculcating a different mindset  conditioned to build up a hate for the opposition, with severe disastrous consequences. And then, the protests, political dharnas, riots, communalism would again break free, life comes full circle, once every decade.

Now pan the camera to the NRI, ask him what he feels about a normal day in these circumstances. Mind you, he might have been born here, but having lived his formative years away, he has no clue about the fast paced changes and frustrations developing each moment.  Overseas, they live their lives in a sweet cocoon, the only stress being to deliver before deadlines at work, traffic back up, driving on a snowy day and sweating it out if 'nanny' has an off day. 'Is that stress' ?, you would ask. Exactly my point. Pitch them in a metro scenario in India, a month to spend with relatives at a wedding. You would know the frustration and pains they take to keep pace with Modern India. 'Oh! So high handed, wasn't he educated here' is a common refrain. Yes, indeed but what have you given him in return? He keeps himself update with the happenings back home. So according to some, an NRI is expected to return home to look after his aged parents, not for his progress or his contribution to the nation. Why don't we Indians learn to cut the umbilical cord at the right time and give children their space, choice of career and a right to live their lives the way they want to? Must a child be saddled with a guilt conscience if he lives abroad? Everyone of us is going to age, and have some ailment over a period of  time. Just because we chose to be beside our parents ( again opportunites were not manifold for the previous generation) must we project an injured façade each time a child aspires to live his dreams? We as a nation need to grow up, look beyond at the world outside, take a few leaves, learn, practice the policy of 'Live and let live'. Then perhaps, we could begin to build a dream for the 'returning Indians'. Promise them peace and dignity first. Then hope.

Finally, why is this piece finding its way in a 'Relationship' Blog? Simple. The art of practising tolerance, living in harmony and learning to respect other fellow human beings, is the answer.